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#5 vs #41 - l2eason Never Seems To Beat Emotions [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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#5 vs #41 [May. 11th, 2003|11:06 pm]
Well, the night where I was pissed off I spent most of the day in my room playing CS. Which got really boring. When I asked Joe what a bunch of the group was doing, he said going to Petes house. I kinda wanted to go, but Joe never invited, so I just went back to CS. Ohh wait, the day before, Brandon changed the CS map to awp_map. Which I am really bad at. I'm REALLY good with the AWP, but not at long ranges like that. So I got pwned. Brandon planned it too. He knew that he would kick my ass and started making comments like, "Ohh what?? The AWP master cant take a little of his own medicine??" Like a fucking dick. So he ruined my AWP average on my stats page. Then right after that I had to go to dinner with my Grandparents because they are in town. They are my dad's mom and dad. So they're completely Japanese. My Grandpa has Polio and my Grandma had a stroke so shes in a wheelchair. We were at dinner for well over an hour and a half. Which involved at least an hour of talking. Most of which was AFTER we were done eating. I could tell my mom was putting on one of her best acts to impress my dad's parents. Even though my parents are devorced, both sides of the family still get along well together. I just didnt like how my mom was acting fake for them. I like making my Grandma laugh and stuff because its funny to see a small, old, asian lady laugh. Its really hard to hear what she says beacuse she lost a lot of speech and movement in her right side when she had a stroke. Umm... Ohh yea, so that dinner also further increased my bad mood. Then Brandon called me to see if I wanted to go to the Nerd Club with him on friday, and I was still a little mad about how he purposefully tried to be a jerk to me in CS. So I said no, and acted all melatone cuz I was mad at him still. Then later that night I after I talked to Joe, I felt really lonely. I NEEDED to do something. Sometimes I can tell those guys dont really wanna hang out with me beacuse all I do is make dumb comments. So I didnt want to invite myself to Petes. Then I just couldnt take it. Joe wanst online anymore and I IMed Syd and asked if I could go with him to Petes. We went and I had a pretty decient time just hanging out with them. I didnt get home until 2. At this point I was still in a crappy mood. Then I tried to talk to Brandon. He decided that he didnt want to talk to me I guess because I was mad at him earlier. So we got in a huge argument about shit. I got mad because he was a dick on purpose and changed the map to awp_map cuz he knew that he would kick my ass. then I got mad about it. THEN, when I got mad about it, he decided not to talk to me. I guess I'm not allowed to get mad at him or something. Then he brought up stuff like I take advantage of him and that I dont really enjoy spending time with him. I have to force myself to hang out with him. Which isnt the case. I told him that I would rather be at some party socializing than playing CS or warhammer, but there are times when I just wanna do nerd stuff instead. Also, its not like I'm always at a party anyways. What I didnt know that he told me was that I am his favorite person to hang out with. I didnt know that. Then I felt like a dick because of how I treat him seomtimes. I mean, hes a dick to me too, but he doesnt mean that much to me, so it does bother me a whole lot. He IS a friend, but I guess I was his best friend, and I didnt know. Hes not my best friend though, just a good friend that I always play CS with and stuff. I'm sure that we'll be friends again sometime soon, but he said that we should be friends so he wont feel let down as much and I wont have to feel guilty. I guess it was good reasoning, but I just thought it would have been worked out better ways. So I felt really crappy about that. The bad dinner, the fact that some of those guys that I hang out with dont really respect me, and I just wanted to cut myself. I havent done it in a while, and it almost always calmed me down. But I never did. I didnt even pick up anything sharp. I just wanted to so bad though. I dont know. I guess thats all part of being manic depressive/bi-polar. Ohh yea, then to top it off, I couldnt stop thinking about Jess. It was so crappy. I keep thinking about it because I dont have my damn rings. She took them all. So every time I realize I dont have my rings, I think about how she has them and it pisses me off. The whole situation. If you read her journal tonight, its beause she talked to me. She IM-ed me for the first time in a long time. She had blocked me I think, and I think it was best that way. Well... Second best, the frist best I guess isnt an option. So she worte that title something like, "Remember when, I used to love you." I'm pretty sure that was because of me because it wasnt a happy entry like her most recient ones had been. She talked about how people need to be content with what they have. So I commented on her entry. It wont show unless she decideds to post it. This is what I wrote.
You must rid yourself of "wants" to obtain true happiness - Buddhism

However, settling for less and trying to have that make you happy is lying to yourself.

You think anyone in America can even attept true Buddhism?? All you're trying to do is justify how you feel inside. Why else would you take lessons like that for ONE area in your life and not follow it throughout all aspects of your life. I know theres no way that you can become that sort of person. Free of all wants.

I know you can choose to post this comment or not. Dont post it just to insult me and such back. If you want to get mad at what Ive said here, just e-mail me. This wont be public, so dont make your response public, if you have a response at all.
So yea, I dunno what to say. I think I'm just still bitter that shes picking to date double of me. Then she started to try to "be content with what she has" to be happy. Like she know that double isnt the best or close, she knew in the FIRST week that it wasnt gunna work out. Now shes gunna try to make it go forever because she needs to be content with what she has. I thought that was bullshit. However, my vision could just be clouded by emotion. When I think about that, I always think of my profile. "I always try to think with logic and Reason, but sometimes emotion kicks its ass." Fuck me in the eye.

Ok, now to last night. Last night Syd picked me up and we went to some guys house. Ohh wait, crap. I forgot to put in here that my dad was gunna kick me out of the house tonight because I didnt have a job. I dont know how I forgot that in the part above. When I was depressed it was also beacuse my dad said I had to have a job by friday and that I wanst doing anything with my life. So that made me feel like crap and added to the depression. Ok, so back to Sat night. We got there and people were dancing and stuff. I have to say Katie (Rolofs??) is pretty good looking. I hate being shallow, but I usually go for girls that even smaller than that. Damn, I hate me sometimes. Anyway, I decided to get my drink on. Sean and Joe owed me a six pack of some girl drinks and they didnt get them. So I had to scavenge for what I could find. I asked Pete if I could have some shots from his half gallow. Which, from now on, I will refer to as a half gizzy. Lol, not to be racist, but black people seem to make the weirdest words to try to be different. Then white kids try to copy them. Then the black people call the white people racist. I'm confused. Anyway, I got drunk straight away. Then when I was people dancing, and that I still didnt have the balls to dance, I needed more. So I got drunker. Then I was helping Footie try to find her keys. I asked if she had left them upstairs when she was going to the bathroom, and she said no. However, I went up and checked for them anyways. They were there. So I came back downstairs and asked her what she would do if I found them. She said that she would make out with me if I had. So I pulled them out. She had a supprised look on her face and then asked if I really wanted to make out, I was like, "Umm... Ok." Then BAM. Her tounge was in my mouth. Lol, that was fun. it only lasted for like 15 seconds because people were all like, "What!?!? is that !?!?" Lol, god that was great. She kissed a lot like Amberlee. Meaning, she stuck her tounge in far and had her mouth open wide. I didnt mind. Right after that I was like, "Hey, I have something to tell you. You're number 5." She said, "I dont wanna be mean or anything, but you're number 41." I laughed. I thought it was amusing that she was keeping track that high. Ive kissed 5 girls now, and only fooled around with one of those. No sex or pretty much anything close to sex. So I think... Some of the guys in the group say their emo. However, they never really seem to have trouble talking to girls. Rei says he runs away when he likes someone, but I dont see that at all. I mean, his actions are suttle, but he DEFFIEATELY talks to the girls he likes. I, however, AM emo. Ive only kissed 5 girls. Fucking 5. I actually CANT talk to girls that I like. Ill give them the look and stuff thats says I'm interested, but the girls I'm interested in are the ones that get signals like, "Hey look, Ive already got my dick on your leg... I think that means I like you." While I'm all like, "Hey look, I made you this food and helped you clean up after drunk people. It means I'm caring and I've make a good boyfriend. BUT, girls NEVER see it. Unless they dont like me to begin with. GERRRR, fucking, I never know what to do. Alex tells me to act like a dick, and they keep comming back. I cant do that, it just isnt me. Fuck beans. Rose Ribbons is SOOOOO FUCKING HOT AND CUTE. That tiny body with such an elgant curve. *bites lip* Damn. She doesnt party and seems to be a real family girl. BUT, she has sex, WITH her BOYFRIENDs. So I try not to qulify her as a slut since shes had sex with more than one person. Since the last time I talked to her, she didnt with random people at all. Shes so nice and pretty. Gerr, I dunno what to do. Doesnt matter right now anyways.

Ok, so I was supposed to move out today, but I had this huge talk with my parents and stuff. So instead, I get to live here, but I haev to pass out flyers and try to start soem lawn mowing crap n and half with my brother. We made the flyers and we're gunna put them up tomorrow. Also, Im handing in some apps to Pacific Sunware and Hot Topic at the mall. The problem is that I dont have a car. So whats going to happen is that my parents will buy me a car for work, and I pay them back with the money I make. So that should be sweet. We looked for cars in the paper tonight. being able to drive again will kick massive nuts. I also wanna learn how to drive a stick and get one. Well, I should go to bed now. I'll post again soon. I'm sure that I missed somethign in here.